New Gay Relationship Wisdom?
I have heard the phrase, “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” over and over. However, instead of finding comfort in that statement, I find it to be untrue… at least for LGTBQI+ people. Instead the statement should sound more like, “there are plenty of fish in the lake.” However, when I jump into my lake full of men, I realize that the type of men I am looking for don’t exist. Therefore my lake has become a puddle.
With the rise of open relationships and free love, I have heard many say, “Monogamy is a thing of the past”. Since a young age I have always believed in true love and soul mates. When I was 19 years old, brave enough to come out of the closet, I immediately began longing for a loving, loyal, and stable boyfriend.
Well - along the way, there have been many fish in my puddle and with each relationship/encounter, I have learned valuable lessons that I want to share with you.
Here are the 6 biggest mistakes I have made in new relationships and how I learned to fix them.
1. Running away too soon - It is easy for us to run. However, taking the time and effort to get to know someone before making any rash quick decisions is the smarter choice. Of course, in the beginning, you might feel doubtful because it's an uncharted territory. But give it some time and see how you develop with that person, but if its week 2 coming on 3 and you are still feeling weird about the situation, it is time to move on!
2. Posting excessively on social media - I still to this day am a victim of this just because of the excitement I feel immediately when I hit it off with someone. The advice here is to wait until you both have completely gotten to know each other and have established you are in a committed relationship. Especially at the beginning when the relationship is new, a post on social media adds pressure. It opens the door to criticism from peers and believe it or not MORE attention from previous partners you have encountered. We spend so much time on our phones everyday, so why not unplug and spend time getting to know your new partner before blasting them all over social media.
3. Showing insecurity - You know what you don't like about yourself. So what you should be doing everyday, regardless of being in a new relationship, is work on yourself - personal goals, ambitions, etc. Showing insecurities right away makes us look vulnerable. Of course once the relationship blossoms and becomes more serious you should want your partner to become aware of what sparks your insecurities. But also be proud of what makes you insecure; it means you are teachable.
4. Being defensive - Your new partner might say something that immediately sets you off. In the past, I would get defensive through texting after misinterpreting what my suitor would write. The worst thing you can do is react without thinking. Instead take a step back, interpret the message, and then respond. The extra time will aid in avoiding the start of a conflict. I always overly communicate through texting to ensure I get my point across in the best way possible.
5. Oversharing - I feel like are things to share and things not to share - especially in the beginning. I learned not to share past boyfriend experiences, especially the negative things. Use those lessons to not make the same mistakes, but there is no need to hash out old relationship problems to your new partner because then it puts an unnecessary pressure them. You want quirks, behaviors, and getting to know someone to happen naturally. Don’t feel like you need to list every personal detail about yourself, leave some to the imagination. Your new partner’s reaction will tell you if what you shared was TMI.
6. Coming on too strong - The stronger you come on in the first couple weeks of getting to know someone, the more likely you'll scare them off. I know it is super exciting when you are really into someone and I also know the feeling of wanting to be up their butt 24/7. But coming on too strong is the worst thing you can do. In order to keep me from being too clingy, I continue to focus on bettering myself and remain independent. Activities like dancing, working out, eating healthy, and socializing with friends are the best distractions for me. On the flip side, don't become too distant by making sure you continue to communicate and show interest.
I hope these lessons I learned from blossoming relationships helps you out on your journey of finding love. There is someone out there that gets you and is willing to love you for all you are. So keep being you and shine on girl!